Writing is a joy for me and something that usually comes naturally. For the past few years, I have been so overwhelmed by both the blows and blessings of life that I haven’t been able to put my feelings into words, other than sometimes in a song. Something beautiful is happening right before my eyes, though, and I can’t help but share it in real time.

As usual, I have neglected watering my hanging flower baskets on my porch, and the flowers inside of them have died and look awful. I went to replace them the other day, and I saw that the first basket had an empty nest in it. That explains why several birds came flying out of it when I did attempt to water it recently!

I had my suspicions that the other basket might have active tenants, though, because I’ve seen a bird flying in and out of it for days now. Sure enough, when I stood on my chair the other day and peeked over the top, I saw a beautiful little nest and some gorgeous, tiny eggs (pictured above)!

I must admit that, as lovely as this was and is to witness, I have been eagerly wishing for these eggs to hatch quickly and the birds to fly the nest so that I can replace this eyesore with a new hanging basket and blooming flowers. It has been bothering me because when people come to visit or just drive by, I fear that they will wonder why I have dead flowers on display. Maybe they will think I don’t take good care of my house or that I’m lazy. Why? Because I know they can’t see the miracle happening inside the basket, nestled in the dead flowers. This has caused me to realize something about myself and my life.

I don’t like the way my life looks from the outside sometimes. The circumstances over many seasons of my life have included tragic deaths of loved ones, hardships, and misfortunes that have often come in multiples at once. Trust me, I know I am not alone in this, but there have been times I have felt very alone because, even though many others go through much worse things than I ever have, the people I interact with on a daily basis have not necessarily had the same types of losses. I see them living fairly “normal” lives. From my view, their hanging baskets, so to speak, are never filled with dead flowers.

In the past few years, I have had two completely separate surprise and unexplained illnesses turn my life upside down for a time. The first was endometrial cancer, which I found out I had very shortly after my brother passed away. I had no risk factors for this disease, and it was a complete miracle that it was even found.

My grief was so raw from my brother’s death and the cancer diagnosis felt like a cruel kick when I was already down. However, that painful season taught me so much, and as I healed from my surgery, I began to heal in other ways as well. That’s a story for another time, but God did a miracle through that cancer, and I got to experience it from a first-person perspective.

The second illness was more recent and completely bizarre. Long story short, my body seemed to have had a rare and dangerous reaction to a Covid virus. I was exposed to it, and my immune system fought way too hard to keep it out, so it began destroying my platelets. This, too, is a story for another time, but the point is that it was a terrifying ordeal that could have killed me, and I was again spared quite miraculously.

My healing journey with this last illness is ongoing in the sense that the doctors have no idea if my body will ever react this way again. They say some people never ever have another episode and others do. There is no way medically to know, but based on how well my body responded to treatment, it does appear to be a fluke, isolated incident. I will have to be monitored with bloodwork periodically until my doctor feels it is no longer necessary. The good news is that I don’t feel sick, and I truly believe I am healed.

When I came home from the hospital, I needed to care for my family because they too had been exposed to Covid and their bodies had a normal reaction, so they just felt miserable. I was pumped full of steroids for a few days to boost my platelets and the side effects of coming off of them were quite unpleasant. It was an exhausting week that I had no idea would get significantly worse. We would soon learn that our beloved uncle, whom we all adore, had taken his life.

Death seemed to be abounding. My platelet numbers suddenly began dropping again (although remaining just above the danger zone) and a new concern arose with my bloodwork. The most important of my white blood cells was dropping, too. I was told that if they continued to drop with the platelets, I would need to have my bone marrow tested. I knew I had been healed from cancer, but just hearing that made me so afraid that perhaps it had come back or that I had it in a new form.

At this time, I was reaching out to ask people for prayer. As I sent each message, I felt somewhat ashamed. I kept thinking that my life must appear to be such an awful mess to anyone who wasn’t sitting in my “nest”. I imagined people reading my requests and thinking that it must be my fault somehow that all of these terrible things keep happening to me and my family.

Looking out my window today at my dead flowers and the beautiful bird guarding her eggs, I’m humbled by the foolishness of my thoughts. Even in the worst moments of all of the above events and many others not mentioned, I had encounters with God that I would not trade for all the mundane serenity in the world. When I cried out to Him, He answered in clear and undeniable ways. Sometimes they were quiet, and sometimes they were loud. He also surrounded me with loving support and powerful prayers from people who most certainly were not having the judgmental thoughts that shame had taught me to fear.

I was also blessed with a wonderful hematologist who comforted me through the scariest moments of my illness and is currently guiding me through this period of monitoring. I am very grateful to share that my numbers have improved all around, and the second drop was most likely due to the emotional stress and not an indication of illness. The miracle for me through this season is that I have experienced moments of God’s supernatural peace, even when things have appeared to be at their worst.

I’m learning that my preoccupation with how things appear can rob my joy and distract me from what is actually happening: the miracle in my midst. My life doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s. Sometimes, it is just going to be messy. God writes my story, and I need to stop comparing mine with any other. Nothing is wasted. I hope and pray that I can keep my eyes focused on the new life that God is bringing forth in the midst of the death that sometimes surrounds me.

I pray that for you, too. May you call out to Him today and feel Him near you in whatever messy, death-like experience is confronting you. May your eyes be opened to the miracle He is doing in your midst, even if you are the only one who can see it right now. May you not let shame keep you from reaching out to those around you who can support you and pray for you. May you find peace in Him, no matter how messy things appear.

Psalm 18:4-6:

“The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.”